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BREAKING: McDonalds Reports RECORD Profits After Implementing $15/hour Minimum Wage

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Just kidding.

Editor’s Note: In light of recent protests, the following Article is satire, and is intended to demonstrate the effects of implementing a minimum wage of $15 per hour. Enjoy!

The Oak Brook, IL based worldwide fast food chain announced record profits for the year as automated kiosks have supplanted 3/4 of the company’s worldwide workforce. The move came after the state legislature caved to the “Raise the Wage” movement, which demanded a $15 per hour minimum wage, and has largely been beneficial to the fast food restaurant as employee complaints have dropped, customers are enjoying speedy, accurate service, and operating costs have dramatically decreased.

“I love working here, it’s clean, I just have to monitor the kiosks and food conveyor systems and wipe a table now and then,” an unidentified male employee was quoted as saying. He also noted that their “unemployed friends” seem to be jealous of the fact that they’re making $30,000 a year to wipe tables, and lamented that he doesn’t see his friends as often because he’s always working.

“But I get to see them every once in a while when they get together after collecting unemployment and scrounge up the $18 for a happy meal to split among the 8 of them,” he said. “But it’s cool.”

A company spokesman said that the record profits are coming from less employee turnover, less money spent having to train employees, less waste from mistakes in preparing food, less spending on employee benefits, and fewer instances of internal theft from employees. As a result, he said, the company has never operated more efficiently, which is great for shareholders – who’ve watched their stock prices soar.

After seeing the dramatic results with McDonald’s, wealthy Wall Street investors have been pushing other companies to invest in technology, reduce labor, increase profits and stock prices. Seen below are thousands of Wall Street millionaires picketing large publicly traded companies hoping to get the country’s largest employers to adopt $15/hour, deploy technology, cut workforce by 75% and create record profits so millionaire shareholders can make more millions.

McDonalds Reports RECORD Profits Due To Implementing $15/hour Minimum Wage

In other news, unemployment for the city just peaked 24 percent right as the cost of milk went up to $10 a gallon. The price of cheese also increased to $2.50 a slice, and the average price of a new home is up to around $500,000 for a three-bedroom, one-bathroom residence.

Meanwhile, grocery chains around the area have also started implementing automated cashiers, citing a dramatic increase in operating costs and the need to cut back on their largest expense – labor. The state has also seen a record number of people applying for government benefits, which Democrat lawmakers are blaming on “unfair labor practices,” and say they’re crafting legislation now that would forbid companies from firing people only because of the increased minimum wage.

“It’s not fair that a company can just fire someone because they had to pay them more money,” State Sen. Scott Bennett (D) said. “We’re working now to ensure that every Illinois resident has job security and equal opportunity.”

When asked if he thought his legislation would place an undue burden on already struggling businesses, Bennett simply replied that “it’s not up to the government to figure out how to pay people.”

“When you’re in business, whether it be small business or a corporation, it’s your responsibility to provide employees with a decent living. If you can’t afford to pay them well, then you shouldn’t be in business,” he added.

Again, this story is complete satire, which we would normally never do, but wanted to offer a glimpse of what would really happen if a nationwide minimum wage were to hit $15 per hour. Yes, in the short term, people would make more money; however, the long-term effects on our country and economy would be disastrous, and will undoubtedly lead to higher unemployment, increased costs to goods and services, and businesses being forced to shut their doors because they can’t afford to stay open.

Why? Because when wages are arbitrarily increased, someone has to pay for the increased operating costs. That someone is either the customer – who pays more for goods and services; or the employee – who loses their job to cut back on operating costs. But rest assured, someone is going to pay for it, and it’s not going to be the business, which is operating for the sole purpose of making a profit.

Is that really what we want? If not, then make sure you share this with your friends so that maybe they can have a better understanding of what the “Raise the Wage” crowd would do if successful in getting their wishes.

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